Jokes /

These Sex Jokes Will Get You Laid On Dating Sites

Matched with someone new on a dating site or hookup app, and now you’re not sure what to say to break the ice? These dirty jokes will make your match laugh, and get them imagining what it would be like to hook up with you.

Use these jokes on your dating app matches and you’ll get laid guaranteed. Whether you’re using a hookup site like MegaPersonals or using a more traditional dating site like Match.com, these jokes will help get you laid.

* Can I do it doggie-style? My girlfriend said she doesn’t want to have sex while she’s wearing makeup.

* I heard my girlfriend fart once. Does that mean we’re in love?

* Why did the chicken cross the road? So the other chicken could fuck her.

* My girlfriend is so boring, when I have sex with her I fall asleep.

* How do you get a girlfriend with two dogs? You have to make friends with a dog and wait for her to grow up.

* I like to do it while my girlfriend is in the shower. She gets clean, I get dirty.

* Why is the girl in my dream always naked? Because she’s horny.

* What’s the difference between a bachelor and a divorcee? A bachelor has one foot in the grave, and one foot in the pussy.

* Why did the fat girl cross the road? So she could take her shirt off.

* A guy was at the bar complaining that his girlfriend was too fussy and would not let him touch her ass. He said he would be happy if she just let him finger it. The bartender said “I think I know what you’re talking about. The girl across the room is fat, and she lets just about anybody touch her ass. Tell your girlfriend to ask her out!”

* Why did the virgin cross the road? To get laid.

* A woman was having sex with her boyfriend, when a fly came into the room and landed on his nose. He brushed it off and asked her if she liked it. She said, “It’s a long story”.

* A guy was visiting his grandparents and said “Grandma, are you having sex with my Grandpa?” The old woman replied “Yes, but we don’t do it often.” He said “Why not?” The old lady said, “I’d rather go to bed with him than have sex with him.”

* Two old ladies were discussing their sex life. The first said “I like sex with younger men. My husband is still very virile and we can have sex four times a day. The other old lady nodded. “You know that my husband is in a home because he has dementia. But, I still like to have sex with younger men.”

* My boyfriend and I go to the club and start dancing. After a while, he gets bored and asks me to dance with him on the other side of the room. A few minutes later, my friend approaches and starts dancing with me. Then, he goes over to my boyfriend and starts dancing with him. It takes me about 45 minutes to get him to notice me, so when he does I go over to him and say, “You know my friend Well, would you like to dance with her instead?”

Funny Cartoon /

Shredder

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “This is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”

Shredder

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

Jokes /

Alabama Hunters

Two hunters from Alabama are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He does not appear to be breathing. The other whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps out to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

Alabama Hunters

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says, “Calm down. Just take it easy. First let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says, “Okay, now what?”

Jokes /

Celibacy Error

One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.

“You see, there are the originals,” said the first monk. “All the new scrolls were copied from these.”

“Can I see one?”

Celibacy Error

“Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom–” All of a sudden, the monk’s face turns white and he falls to his knees.

“What? What does it say?”

“Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!”

Jokes /

Million Dollars

A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen. So he asked, “God, are you listening?”

And God replied, “Yes my son, I am here.” The man stopped and pondered some more. He looked towards the sky and said, “God, what is a million years to you?”

Million Dollars

God replied, “Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you.” So the man continued to walk and to ponder… walk and ponder… Then he looked to the sky again and said, “God, what is a million dollars to you?”

And God replied, “My son, my son…a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little.” The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, “God, can I have a million dollars?”

And God replied, “In a second.”

Jokes /

Horny Parrot

A guy has a horny parrot. It’s terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.

The vet examines the bird extensively, says, “Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine.”

Horny Parrot

The guy’s parrot is listening and says, “Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for??”

Finally, the guy says all right and hands over the fifteen dollars. The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, “Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!” Feathers come flying out of the cage.

The vet says, “Holy gee,” and runs across the room and opens the curtain. The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage, pulling out all her feathers. He’s saying, “For fifteen bucks, I want you naked. Naked!”

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