Two hunters from Alabama are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He does not appear to be breathing. The other whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps out to the operator, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says, “Calm down. Just take it easy. First let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says, “Okay, now what?”

One day, two monks were in the vaults of the monastery going through the old scrolls.

“You see, there are the originals,” said the first monk. “All the new scrolls were copied from these.”

“Can I see one?”

“Sure. This is one outlines the rules for monkdom–” All of a sudden, the monk’s face turns white and he falls to his knees.

“What? What does it say?”

“Celebrate. IT SAYS CELEBRATE!”

A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen. So he asked, “God, are you listening?”

And God replied, “Yes my son, I am here.” The man stopped and pondered some more. He looked towards the sky and said, “God, what is a million years to you?”

God replied, “Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you.” So the man continued to walk and to ponder… walk and ponder… Then he looked to the sky again and said, “God, what is a million dollars to you?”

And God replied, “My son, my son…a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little.” The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, “God, can I have a million dollars?”

And God replied, “In a second.”

A guy has a horny parrot. It’s terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.

The vet examines the bird extensively, says, “Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine.”

The guy’s parrot is listening and says, “Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for??”

Finally, the guy says all right and hands over the fifteen dollars. The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, “Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!” Feathers come flying out of the cage.

The vet says, “Holy gee,” and runs across the room and opens the curtain. The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage, pulling out all her feathers. He’s saying, “For fifteen bucks, I want you naked. Naked!”

One day, an extremely rich business man decides that the time has come to indulge himself. He has been working hard and making money all his life, and he rarely spends any of it on himself. So he goes out and buys the world’s fastest commercial vehicle: the all-custom 2001 Chevrolet Zoom. This puppy can hit 350 mph on a straightaway and has all the trimmings. Leather, CD, Sunroof, GPS, everything. It cost him a cool $3 million.

He decides to take it for an afternoon spin. He’s just cruising around town with one arm out the window, having the time of his life, when he gets to a red light. He pulls up next to an old guy on a little moped who is already waiting at the light.

“Now THAT’S a car,” the old guy says with awe. “What on earth did that cost you?”

“Three million,” the rich guy proclaimed. “And that was a steal. This here is the world’s fastest commercial vehicle.”

“You’re kidding!” the old guy scoffed. “How fast?” “350.” The old guy’s jaw dropped. “Hey, do you mind if I take a look around inside real quick?”

“Not at all,” the rich guy said.

The old guy leans way over and sticks his head in the window. After looking around for a few seconds, he sits back down on his moped. “That’s a fine car,” he said, nodding his head.

Just then, the stoplight turned to green, and the rich guy decided to show this old man what his car is really capable of. He floors it out of the intersection, and in a few seconds he is happily cruising along at 350 mph.

He happens to glance in his rearview mirror, and notices to his dismay a speck on the horizon that seems to be getting closer. Sure enough, the speck comes closer and closer until WHOOSH! it passes him. The rich guy just can’t figure out what’s going on here, so he pulls over. He sees the speck again on the horizon in front of him coming back towards him, and sure enough, WHOOSH! it passes him again. This time, though, he was prepared and got a better look at it. He could have sworn that he saw the old guy on the moped. “But that’s impossible,” he thought to himself.

Once again, the thing was coming back at the rear of his car, only this time it looked like it was going to hit. And hit it did. There was a loud crash as the thing slammed into the back of the Chevy Zoom.

The rich guy jumps out of the car and runs around to the back, where the old guy is dying on the road, pieces of his moped scattered around him.

“Oh, my God!” the rich guy said, horrified. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes,” the old man responded feebly. “Before I die, I want you to unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”